Mathephobia

I remember when I first started to experience mathephobia. It was in 6th grade and I had a math teacher that was really cranky all the time. I remember her creating the perfect environment to develop a fear of math. She would get angry when we didn't get the answer right and it wasn't the kind of anger that came out as understanding with mild frustration. It was actual anger. I was afraid to raise my hand because I might get the question wrong and she would embarrass me in front of the class. Even tests made me afraid. I remember waiting in line to receive my test and when I got there my grade was an 80. I was devastated. Before 6th grade I have 2 memories of math and both are positive. I remember in 2nd grade struggling to understand long division. It was such a frustrating feeling. But I gathered the courage to go up to the teacher and ask him how to do long division. After he explained it I finally got it! I was so proud. The second memory is about 4th grade. My 4th grade teacher gave us a sheet of paper that had multiplication problems on it. We had a minute to do them. I always did so well. She would put our math minute in our math folders and if we got a 100 she would give us a piece of candy along with the math minute. I always got a 95 or above. I felt so comfortable with math until middle school. What changed? I don't know. It could have been in my 6th grade math class with my mean math teacher. But also it seems like everyone began to be afraid of math in middle school. I remember so badly wanting to be in advanced math classes with my friends. I also remember being incredibly jealous of anyone who was great at math. I'm still jealous of anyone who's good at math. My friends are all really good at math. When they complained about math I thought "well at least you're taking AP calculus", where I would be taking college algebra. Math class makes my heart race and my palms sweat. When the teacher announces that there will be a quiz my heart begins to hurt and I feel physically horrible. It makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I think math is extremely important and I want to understand it at the highest level. But for some reason, I am terrified of math. I have a specific memory from when I was 7 or 8 of my dad asking me mathematical questions during dinner. I can't remember exactly what the question was but it had something to do with multiplication or addition or subtraction. I didn't know how to answer the question let alone the actual answer. Mys dad got so frustrated and so did my mom. My mom would say "You should know this" and my dad something like "are you serious?". For my adult parents the question they asked seemed so easy, but for a kid like me I just didn't know. That memory still makes me feel bad about my math abilities and I was only 7 or 8. Mathephobia is something that affects me everyday. I don't want to be afraid of math. For the first time in a long time I'm taking a math class that is making me think about math in a different way than I have in the past. Hopefully I can end my fear of math, but until then I will actively try not to be afraid.